


Frozen Camellias

by embrisch (flightlesswish)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Tragedy, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, POV Phichit Chulanont, Phichit-centric, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 21:58:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10228385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightlesswish/pseuds/embrisch
Summary: it was so easy to fall when it came to yuuri, phichit found out gradually throughout the years they knew each other.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Welcome to my first published Yuuri on Ice fic! This fic is based on the hanahaki disease trope. Enjoy!

 

 _hanahaki byou_ , yuuri read to him one summer night that seemed like forevers ago, back in their small shared-room in detroit, both of them sitting on the carpeted floor, bare knees touching, _is the disease in which you cough up flowers, usually in petals. it  manifests when you develop an unrequited love for a period of time and is a common occurrence worldwide. despite its japanese name, its exact origin and cause are still unknown,_ he continued, eyes trained on an old japanese book he borrowed from their library visit earlier that day. _it’s not deadly, mostly. you can cure it by getting loved back, getting over it, or…_ yuuri paused, a slight frown on his forehead. _in severe cases, like when you also cough up blood and full flowers instead of petals continuously, through the removal surgery; with which you will never be infected by the disease again, but it will make you never be able to love ever again either._

 _hanahaki byou_ , phichit repeated a few heartbeats later, tasting the words at the tip of his tongue. _it sounds beautiful._

yuuri’s laugh was light, and kind. _does it_.

phichit offered his best friend an easy smile. _yeah_ , he affirmed. _have you experienced it?_

yuuri turned his face away, a hint of blush dusted on his cheeks. _no, not really_ , he denied quietly.

phichit, knowing yuuri all too well to believe it, didn’t push. _i wonder how it feels like._

 _painful, most likely,_ yuuri mused. _not necessarily the throwing up bit, but, you know. the unrequited love bit._

phichit nodded. _i bet. i hope we won’t have to experience it, like, ever._

yuuri smiled, his gaze, almost instinctively, gravitating towards a small, framed victor nikiforov’s picture on his desk. _yeah_ , he said, almost wistfully. _so do i._

 

 

it was so easy to fall when it came to yuuri, phichit found out gradually throughout the years they knew each other.

he didn’t realise it at first.

maybe in between those quiet moments, or the boisterous laughter that they had shared, phichit had slowly lost his balance. those graceful moves on the ice, determined jumps, and those eyes – oh those eyes, he wondered what would happen if he just looked at them for the rest of his life.

yuuri went on to sochi for the grand prix final, and phichit stayed behind in detroit.

 _next year,_ yuuri told him before departing to sochi, _next year we’ll go together_.

phichit tried his best to hold back his tears, then. he pulled the older man into a hug, his own heartbeats loud in his ears, and offered a shaky nod. yuuri let go after ten heartbeats, a sad yet encouraging smile on his lips, and maybe, just maybe, some tiny pieces of phichit’s heart on his hands.

 

 

yuuri katsuki went on to get the last place at the grand prix final in sochi. phichit quietly watched from his laptop screen in their shared bedroom alone, lights off, his body wrapped up tightly in his baby blue blanket. sometime after yuuri’s kiss and cry, he absent-mindedly reached for his phone and dialed the number he knew by heart.

it went straight to the voicemail.

 

 

 _victor_ , yuuri sobbed the next day in his arms, _he didn’t even recognise me, phichit,_ he choked out and he sounded so heartbroken it broke phichit’s heart. _i’m so stupid_ , he wept, _i’m so so stupid_ –

 _shh, yuuri, don’t say that_ , phichit murmured in the other’s hair, a mess of tangled raven locks that smelled like strawberries. _you’re great, yuuri._

 _i’m not_ , yuuri denied, _i’m not good enough. god, i’ve never been good enough and never will –_

_yuuri. look at me._

_phichit._ yuuri paused, and in the next seconds he was coughing, a few red rose petals fell from his pale lips to his open palms. he brought his hands on his chest, a sad smile playing on his lips. _i love him too much and i will never be good enough for him._

 

 

the next day, phichit woke up with a mouthful of bright red camellias, a taste of iron, and his eyes lachrymose.

 

 

yuuri left detroit for good the next season. phichit coughed up several red camellia petals when yuuri told him the news, both sitting on their respective beds on their dim lit room, and that was how yuuri knew he had been infected with the disease.

 _phichit, how long has this been going on?_ yuuri asked, concern palpable in his bright brown eyes. _why didn’t you tell me? do i know who they are? is there anything i could do to help –_

phichit shook his head after the last of the crimson petals fell to his lap, and offered yuuri a smile. _sorry i didn’t tell you sooner. it’s not a big deal, really, i’ll get over it soon._

_but phichit…_

_i promise,_ phichit cut him off, right hand waving in dismissal, a smile making its way on his lips. _don’t you worry about me._

_you know you can always tell me anything, right?_

phichit rested his gaze on his best friend’s bright brown orbs, a kind smile on his lips, and he nodded. _of course, yuuri. of course._

 

 

phichit saw yuuri next in china. the older skater had been training under victor nikiforov that season, and honestly phichit had never seen him so happy. yuuri had obviously improved, and it made him happy too. yuuri’s short programme wasn’t something that phichit would ever thought yuuri would do, but people changed, he guessed. and his free programme, by god, it was the most beautiful thing phichit had ever seen.

and the quad flip.

and the – the _kiss_.

he couldn’t process it at first. the next time he knew it, he felt a wave of nausea and then came the cough – a familiar feeling, but still often unexpected nonetheless. he threw up dozens of red camellia petals, and for the first time since it started more than year ago, he coughed up a full red camellia. his heart was racing fast, drowning the sound of cheers for _yuuri katsuki of japan and victor nikiforov of russia as his coach –_

 _phichit_ , a familiar voice came from beside him, then the gentle hands on his shoulders. _phichit, are you okay?_

phichit looked up to stare at an alarmed celestino. he couldn’t speak. his throat felt achingly raw. his _heart_ ached. but he nodded his head anyway, and turned away – _i’ll be back_ , he managed to say hoarsely, and turned on his heel to leave the rink; the bloodied red camellia laid on the ground, long forgotten.

 

 

 _do you think you can get over it, someday?_ celestino asked, when they’re on the doorway of phichit’s hotel room, his tone weary.

 _i don’t know, coach_ , phichit shrugged. _but i can try_. _i_ am _trying._

_you deserve to be happy too, phichit. you know that, right?_

phichit smiled, not letting his doubt show and offered a nod. _thank you, coach_.

 

 

they both made it to barcelona together. phichit had tried to contact yuuri as soon as he landed but for some reasons he’s not picking up. he then decided to roam the city’s landmarks alone, leaving celestino at the bar near their hotel. the next night they had a get-together at yuuri’s unusual request, and most of them agreed to come.

phichit didn’t see it at first. the glint on their fingers – the gold bands. _it couldn’t be_ , phichit thought. _it couldn’t be – it must be some sort of a joke, right?_

_it’s not what he thought it was, right?_

gulping down all thoughts, phichit plastered on his cheerful smile. _congrats on your marriage!_

no.

 _we’ll get married after yuuri wins gold_ , victor said easily.

no no no no –

phichit’s smile wore off when yuuri did not deny. his gaze fell on his best friend, the latter’s cheeks aflame.

phichit was unable to speak for the rest of the night, words stuck in his aching throat; his heart full of thorns.

 

 

yuuri ended up winning silver and phichit came in last place.

(but phichit wouldn’t know this fact until awhile later.)

after his own kiss and cry, phichit struggled to get back to his space backstage; face pale, petals of red camellias he coughed up trailing his path. everything hurt, and after awhile he started to cough up full camellias in one violent cough - they fell in his shaking hands; his own blood amplified their beautiful hue.

everything was blur to him after that.

so he closed his eyes, and let himself surrender to darkness.

 

 

 

the next time he opened his eyes, the face of his mother came in his blurry view. slowly, the sound of mechanical beeps came to his hearing, and he could smell a unique antiseptic smell surrounding him. his body felt heavy, and his head felt dizzy. his throat parched dry, his chest laden.

 _mom…?_ he tried. his voice came out hoarser than he had expected.

 _phichit, dear…_ his mother croaked, and when phichit blinked he could see that her eyes were glassy.

_mom, what happened? where are we?_

_we’re at a hospital in barcelona, dear, your father and i just flew in. he’s just outside talking to your doctor. you were asleep for a day. how are you feeling?_

_i’m… mom, why am i here?_

_you don’t remember?_

_i… i finished my free skate. and then i felt sick and started to…_ he trailed off. _did i pass out?_

 _yes, my dear…_ she was wearing a weary smile, the sadness in her eyes palpable. _we have to tell you something important soon._

and as if on cue, at that moment the room’s door opened quietly, revealing his distraught father and who he assumed to be his doctor.

 _mr chulanont, you’re awake_. the doctor started, a wry smile on his lips. _how are you feeling?_

_umm… fine, I guess? A little bit dizzy, and my throat feels kind of dry, but otherwise fine._

the doctor exchanged a brief glance with his parents before clearing his throat and spoke again. _mr. chulanont, i’m afraid i have to break this to you now. the hanahaki disease you have is at the worse stage we had previously thought._

a pause.

_i’m afraid we will have to do the removal surgery soon, to ensure your survival. unless of course if you can heal yourself within the week._

_within… the week?_ phichit echoed, feeling oddly empty.

_yes, mr. chulanont. i’m afraid you don’t have much time to let it heal naturally. your lungs and your heart are in a very bad state right now, with the thorns growing rapidly… you know it’s bad when a flower variety that doesn’t usually have thorns, do, and at such speed… i would recommend you to do the surgery, unless you have it in your strong faith that your feelings are reciprocated very, very soon._

_phichit, dear._ phichit turned his attention back to his mother. her smile was gentle, her hand slowly reaching to soothe his hair. _is there anything we can do to help?_

phichit’s mind flew to the night before the free skate, yuuri’s happy smiles and laughter, those matching gold bands on their fingers –

(‘we will get married when yuuri wins gold.’)

the urge to cough came up instantly, but he was too weak to resist it, and the next thing he knew he was coughing up red camellia petals tainted with his own blood, again.

the doctor was immediately by his side, his mom gripping his hand tightly as if trying to anchor him to this life. his father was by her side, his hand on top of his mom’s.

_it’s going to be alright, darling, if you take the surgery… you will be okay. we’re right here with you._

everything hurt and it was so, so _unfair_.

a blink and the next was waterfall, from the corners of his weary eyes down to his cheeks – he didn’t even realise he was screaming until he was being pulled into his mother’s embrace, his face buried into his mother’s trembling shoulder; his mother’s white shirt stained with crimson and tears.

 

 

(‘ _loving you was the most exquisite form of self-destruction_.’)

 

 

yuuri and celestino visited him the next day. celestino came to his room first, giving him encouragement and support which phichit was grateful for. he left after fifteen minutes or so, and then yuuri came in.

yuuri katsuki, his roommate of five years, his best friend for life, his idol, and his many, many firsts.

yuuri katsuki, his –

 _phichit_ , yuuri began softly, taking a seat on the chair by his bed. _how are you feeling?_

phichit gave him a smile. _been better,_ he responded in what he hoped to be a playful tone. _congrats on the silver! i’m so proud of you, yuuri._

yuuri reached out and hold on phichit’s hand, squeezing it gently, a soft smile on his lips. _i’m proud of you, too, phichit._

phichit’s smile widened, if only ever so slightly. _what’s in for you next?_

yuuri’s expression was fond when he said his next words. _i’m moving to st petersburg. victor is planning to come back for worlds and i will still train under him, so._

phichit’s smile faltered. _i see._

yuuri hummed and they both let a comfortable silence fell, yuuri’s thumb making a gentle, soothing circular motions on phichit’s hand.

 _yuuri…_ phichit broke the silence after a few heartbeats. _are you happy?_

yuuri looked a little taken aback by the question. he looked into phichit’s eyes, as if searching for explanation. but phichit was determined, and his eyes gave nothing away. eventually yuuri gave up and nodded, a little shy smile playing on his lips. _yes. yes, phichit. i really am._

and really, phichit would not expect nothing less.

he _should not_ have expected nothing less.

 _good…_ phichit heard himself saying, and surprised himself at how genuine it felt. he felt like laughing and crying at the some time but – _good. i’m happy for you, yuuri. i really am._

_how does it feel like?_

the light above him was bright, and phichit felt like he was fading away bit by bit.

the voice responding sounded far – but he still could grasp the words around the edges. _you will feel nothing and you won’t suffer ever again._

 _huh_ , phichit let out s small chuckle. _nothing_ , he echoed.

no more those beautiful, beautiful red camellias.

no more of those concerned looks from celestino, no more delayed tranings just because he’s too sick to.

no more weeping mother and father, fear of losing their only son to the disease tangible in their every touch, as if every touch was their last.

and more importantly –

( _are these red camellias?_ yuuri asked cautiously, eyes intent on the fallen scarlet camellia petals on phichit’s open palms. phichit nodded.)

no more yuuri.

( _do you know what they mean?_ yuuri looked up, head slightly tilted to the side in question. phichit shook his head. _do you?_ )

no more yuu –

(yuuri nodded. _well, in japanese, it means ‘in love’. but it could also mean…_ he bit his lip. phichit raised his eyebrows, silently encouraging the older man to continue. yuuri took a deep breath before answering. _‘perishing with grace’. it could also mean perishing with grace, phichit._ )

_yuuri._

kind, talented, _beautiful_ yuuri.

 _go to sleep, phichit_ , yuuri had said two days previously, before he was about to leave the hospital. _it’s going to be alright._

and phichit chose to believe him, like he always did.

like he always would.

he was going to be just fine.

he would be healthy again.

he would win more medals.

he would be happy again.

he would

 

 

( _but well! who wouldn’t love you back, phichit? i’m sure whoever you’re in love with will return your feelings soon and both of you will live happily ever after!_ )

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I got the quote 'loving you was the most exquisite form of self-distruction' from tumblr (http://letsmcfreakingloseit.tumblr.com/post/155009232822/hanahaki-aesthetic-board-hanahaki-disease-is-an), which I think the most fitting quote for the hanahaki disease trope.
> 
> truthfully, at first, I wanted to make a pure victuuri hanahaki au, with victor being affected by the disease instead of yuuri. but somehow it became a one-sided phichit/yuuri and reciprocated victuuri lol. 
> 
> thank you so much for reading this fic, I hope you enjoyed reading it!


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